April 1, 2013 — reporter's note: In a sudden reversal of everything he stands for, Dave Cohen of Decline Of The Empire explained that he never meant to say the world is falling apart. He repudiated that stance and many other previously stated positions.
"I've been taking medication," said Cohen. "I've stopped. I see the error of my ways."
"Take the economy," Cohen continued. "I've been focusing exclusively on declining wages and income inequality, but everybody knows that it's worker productivity that drives growth. Corporations are good, profits are good, and the less these guys pay workers for more hours worked, the better. Jesus. What in hell was I thinking?"
Cohen offered today's story as an example of the kind of things his readers can look forward to in the future, saying "The day is coming when you won't be able to tell the difference between The Business Insider, The Huffington Post, Gawker, The New Yorker, Slate and DOTE."
"Show me the money!" Cohen shouted as he walked away.
I was more than a little disturbed to read this short item in the Daily Beast.
Justin, when you go all around the world, your monkey might not always be welcome. Airport customs in Germany confiscated Justin Bieber’s monkey earlier this week after the singer didn’t have the proper documentation to bring Mally into the country. A source said Bieber will be “heartbroken” since he “brings Mally everywhere.” Mally was left in a Munich quarantine.
Nobody, I mean nobody, should be allowed to stand between a man and his monkey!
The New York Daily Post added “He and Mally go everywhere together,” a source told the Daily Mail. “He will be heartbroken.”
It's just not right — Justin loves that monkey!
What kind of monkey are we talking about here? One of my favorite publications, The Business Insider, has the details. But what about that title? Justin Bieber Owns A Potentially Dangerous Monkey. WTF?
Canadian pop-star Justin Bieber's monkey was quarantined at Munich Airport this week, after Bieber failed to produce the necessary paperwork for the animal to enter the European Union.
Necessary paperwork? Fucking Germans.
It may worry Bieber, however, to learn that the monkey he owns is potentially dangerous.
Bieber's monkey is believed to be a capuchin monkey, given to the singer by a friend on his 19th birthday earlier this year. The friend, music producer Jamal Rashid, has posted numerous photos of the monkey on his Instagram.
Capuchin monkeys are native to South America, and have a long history of interaction with humans — they are often known as "organ grinder" monkeys, for example, and in the 1930s, there was reportedly a trend in Florida for keeping the monkeys as "Greyhound jockeys" and having them ride dogs in races.
The breed has been displayed positively in popular media — in the NBC comedy Friends, Ross Geller keeps a capuchin monkey as a pet for a number of episodes, although the monkey is eventually sent to a zoo. The animal was also featured prominently in "Pirates of the Caribbean" and "Night at the Museum."
Due to their fame, high intelligence, and small size, the monkeys are somewhat popular as pets, and they can be owned without permits in a number of states. One estimate suggested there could be up to 100,000 capuchin monkeys being kept as pets in the United States. However, adult capuchin monkeys can be dangerous.
A 2010 Associated Press article warned that when the monkeys "reach sexual maturity around 5 years old, they can turn dangerous and destructive".
"Can you imagine going into the jungle, grabbing a monkey out of a tree and taking him home? He'd rip your face off as he should," Lynn Cuny, founder and chief executive of a sanctuary, Wildlife Rescue & Rehabilitation Inc. in Kendalia, Texas, told the AP.
Well, damn — we don't want little Mally to rip Justin's face off. Right?
Even those who have generally positive experiences with the monkeys report some problems. In a 2003 interview, a former organ grinder who owns four capuchin monkeys and was running an advice website for monkey owners said that one monkey had attacked her recently.
"You never know which ones will grow up and attack and which ones won't," Sony Rickson told National Geographic. "I have one that I worked with for seven years and I'd go everywhere with her — and all of a sudden one day she just turned on me. I have another one that I raised from a baby who wouldn't even think of biting me."
Be careful, Justin!
Extra-special Bonus Video — Don't monkey with the monkey!